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Chronic parental discord and divorce can have profound, long-lasting
effects on children. A child’s expectation of being loved,
cared for, and a central priority of both parents is often shattered
by seeing parents preoccupied by their personal anger, possibly
violent to each other, frequently sad or depressed, and unavailable
(emotionally and/or physically). If the tension leads to
divorce, and especially if the discord continues after divorce,
children may feel insecure, suffer diminished self-esteem, and not
trust that love and attachment to others is reliable. The severity
of long-term consequences may be considerably ameliorated if parents can
focus on their love of the child in the midst of their own discord
and loss.
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The effects of divorce can be divided into three broad areas.1,2 One
area is the child’s psychological development. Divorce
makes a strong statement that relationships may be unreliable and
that even the expectation of a stable family unit can be lost. The
second impact relates to parental functioning. Fathers and mothers
in the midst of discord and divorce often suffer depression and
anger, are preoccupied for months or years with the divorce process,
and are no longer spontaneously available in the same home. The
third area is financial. The same family resources are now spread
over 2 households, and additional, often major, expenses accrue
in lawyer fees and other unanticipated costs. Most families cannot
sustain such a rapid major increase in monthly expense, and over
time, mothers often suffer the more serious financial harm.
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Pediatricians should consider divorce as a major risk factor
to a child’s development. Although more than 1 million
divorces each year involve 1 million children, many pediatricians are
not routinely aware of family discord, divorces, or remarriages
among families within their practice. Without such awareness, pediatricians
cannot provide anticipatory guidance for children in uncomplicated
divorces or more comprehensive services, including mental health
referral, in virulent divorces.3,4
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Parents may ask whether it is better to stay married “for
the sake of the children” than to “put them through
a divorce.” The tensions in discordant marriages may result
in verbal or physical confrontations, compound other psychological
problems such as depression or substance use, and create a bitter
emotional tone in the home. Children who live with chronic family
discord, tension, and unhappiness become vigilant as to how their
parents are feeling and assume responsibility for causing or trying
to relieve tension and unhappiness. Many children wonder if they
are causing the problems and what they are supposed to do to help.
Over time, these children often harbor intense anger at their parents
and grow up suspicious of, yet longing for, intimacy. Thus, as young
adults, they may feel unable to tolerate intimacy, or they may begin their
own marriages dominated by the ghosts of their parents’ discord.
If the divorce ends chronic discord, abuse, neglect, and domestic violence
(sadly, this is not always the outcome), then the child ...